Enter this caption contest to win a dedicated book straight from Mark Lawrence’s bookshelf!
You can submit your entry to any number of pictures, so can caption one, two, three, or all four of them, just please indicate which picture your caption belongs to (1-4).
Please submit your entry here through the comment field at the bottom of this page.
The contest will be closing on Sunday, 1st October 2017.
Best entry wins!
Please note: your email address will be required to comment below but will NOT appear on the website!
(Alternatively you can also log in with your WordPress/Facebook/Twitter account)
Best of luck,
PS: I did a live video streaming of the event with my mobile, starts off a bit shaky but should be steady after the first few minutes. You can watch it here: https://www.facebook.com/mitriel/videos/10155730808927156/
Mark: I can prove to you mathematically that with a gun THAT big, Jorg could put a hole in the Bloody-Nine’s head, easy peasy.
Joe: OH really, Mark.
Joe: Hey, Mark wanna know why the blond guy on the left is so happy?
Mark: Yeah, sure.
Joe: I told him that your next trilogy would be about Jorg’s son. Hehehehe.
Peter: Oh so she is THAT kind of a nun, I completely misunderstood the theme of the book.
Joe: Nona is as much of a nun as is my Ferro Maljinn.
Mark: So that’s how I got a lot of people from facebook and reddit to vote on what Grimdark is.
Joe: How on earth did you think it was a good idea to let the internet decide??
Photo #3: “if we look busy, maybe the will leave us alone…”
#1 Mark: “The Seven!? I would have called it the six-hundred and sixty-six!”
Joe: “Shouldn’t have bought decaff.”
Peter: “Hail Mary, full of Grace.”
#2 Joe: “So I took his head, just like this here book, and sqeeezed!”
Mark: “Brain fart.”
Anna: “Why is this guy jumping on the couch? Where’s my knife!?”
Mark: seriously it was THIS BIG!
Pete: really…? I’m not sure—
Joe: no it fucking wasn’t
Mark: oh, yes… you’re right. It wasn’t…
Pete and Joe: hehehehehehe
Pete and Joe: shit it really WAS that big….
Mark: and then he set it on fire—
Pete: you wrote WHAT about the puppy?!
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Why there’s not upper picture in this contest? It would be:
Joe: So, you’ve cracked the core, how does it feel?
Mark: Nothing in all the world can kill this taste.
#1: Mark: So, Joe’s ears are, like, this big…
#2 Anna: Joe, I’m not even going to look at you until you stop doing your Gollum impression.
#4 Joe: When I was starting out, I used to have get up at three in the morning, write fifty pages, all with a blunt pencil and paper, send it to my agent, who’d send it back and make me write t’whole lot over again.
Mark: You were lucky to have paper! I used to have to rewrite my entire manuscript every day, on t’palm of hand with an imaginary pen, peel t’skin off and send it to my agent, who’d put it through t’shredder and tell me I would never amount to anything.
Peter: Luxury. I used to have to tattoo an entire trilogy on my navel every evening, run thirty miles through a bog in t’dark so my agent could flay me and charge me thruppence for every use of the letter ‘e’.
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Photo #2: An event that hasn’t happened for an age…a GrimMoot. Lawrence, Brett, Abercrombie, yes yes many have come…
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Photo #4. Mark: you mean you two didn’t realise that the core of the Red Queens War series is the Jalan/Snorri bromance??
Photo #3. Hang on. People are giving us Harry Potter books to sign?! On the other hand let her join the Grimdark club…..
Photo #2. Joe Abercrombie (laughing); you’re the first to know that the trilogy I’m writing is the first Grimdark comedy. About my crippled torturer, Glotka, who gets transported to a world where they enjoy pain and despair! Forcing him to become an evil tickler and comedian in order to ‘torture’ them.
1. Mark “with a bag of sand in one hand, I quickly swapped it for the golden idol”
Joe, Peter “….”
2. Joe “hahaha it was raiders of…hahaha”
Peter “….the lost ark hahahaha”
3. Peter *needs more tattoos*
Joe *needs and antihero… with nine fingers*
4. Mark “..and if you put 58008 into a calculator and turn it upside down, you get…”
Joe “heh heh BOOBS….”
Peter “that’s BRILLIANT!!”
Mark: I’m telling you, ten fingers are better than nine!
Joe: Every time we meet…
Peter: Yes, yes they are.
Joe: *grabbing book from table* You’ve been iced, Mark!
Mark: There is something brittle inside me that will break before I drink Smirnoff again.
Peter and Joe: Wait, we actually have to read each other’s books?
Mark: *sadly drinks his Smirnoff Ice*
Peter: “smell this one guys”
Anna: “Oh my god please no!”
Mark: “I can hold my breath for 3 minutes watch”
Peat and Joe: “who fucking cares? That sounded hilarious”
Peat: “My book feels heavier than Mark’s.”
Joe: “Yeah, but what’s your font size?”
Mark: *Let me finish this manly drink and I’ll show who’s biggest*
Anna: *Boys comparing sizes again, sigh.*
Mark: “I had a great idea for the next chapter and wrote it on my hand”
Joe: *Feeling smug, I bet the ink ran, the fool*
Peat: *Incredulous, why didn’t he add it as a note in his phone, I wrote huge chunks of the painted man on my phone, is he mad?*
The first one actually made me chuckle but hey, I do like toilet humour! 🙂
Mark: “So, since you are probably never gonna get one, I can show you guys, that a David Gemmell Legend Award is like this big.”
Joe: “Well I don’t know what is the language, that this book is written, but still… This book is my PRECIOUS!”
Mark: “No, I’m not gonna sign you anything Joe, but I can pretend.”
Joe: “Seriously dude?”
Peter thinking: “This is intense!”
#1 – Unless the sheep’s bladder is at least this big it can’t prevent an earthquake
#2 – Joe: “All Peter’s books are edible mate”
#3 – There’s the combover, then there’s the messover
#4 – So I signed her bare chest …
Mark: “Joe, bruh, One Arm can’t win. Gorgoth’s is at least this big.”
#1 Mark: “And then, just as the Bloody Nine yells “Who’s the rippin’ deliverer now?” Jorg punches the holy stone into his mouth, ducks behind Arlen’s ripped corpse and grins as he is bathed in a shower of gore. And there ends the three-way crossover novel. Great idea, huh? What do you guys think?”
Caption Number 1:
Mark: So I did this….and then she slapped me.
Caption Number 2:
Mark to Joe: I’m slightly piffed that we get these hard-arse seats and everyone else gets the comfy chairs.
Joe to Mark: Learn to hack it, you Big Girl’s Blouse.
Peat: Yeah: I got a comfy chair.
Peter: Look at meeeee!
Caption Number 3:
Peat whispers to Joe: Just keep pretending to read and maybe they’ll go away.
Joe whispers back to Peat: You have to open the book for that to work.
Caption Number 4:
Mark: My hand is really itchy.
Joe: Maybe because there’s a pink and black umbrella embedded in it. Hold my coffee, I got this.
Mark: Listen boys. We got our audience distracted. You go this way, Brett, and I’ll rob them. We meet in the pub in an hour.
Joe: What about Anna?
Mark: Shut the fuck up Brett. They’re listening.
Anna: I don’t know who the fuck you are but get off that armchair or you’ll be picking up your broken teeth with tweezers.
Mark: He’s the butler, Anna…
Joe: So that’s where the last 10 years of my fucking life went.
Mark: So he said ”I hated Prince of Thorns, it was a terrible book.” I asked for a hug and instead I squeezed his head like this.
Mark: I will pretend that I didn’t hear that.
Joe: Well, I was waiting the perfect moment to give you that spoiler.
Anna: The hell are you doing, Peter?
Peter: Exercise of course, my legs went numb
Peter V: Nice cover Mark, you better not disappoint me.
Joe: Hmm this is not as bad as I thought it would be.
Mark: So i started writing down a blurb about how much I loved your book.
Peter: You don’t say?
#1 I grew a bra size. Clap for me please.
#2 My remote controlled whoopee-coushin went off too soon…there goes my joke.
#3 This new iPhone sucks, all it does is these words things.
#4 I had this crazy dream where people used sharp sticks and their hands to write down stories. Weird, right?!
Photo 1. Mark: Seriously, my next book is going to be this big!
Photo 4. Mark: I was out in the garden tending the rose bushes when suddenly I felt this horrible pain in my palm. It was a thorn. Blood was everywhere. I yanked it out and BAM just like that, the idea for the entire trilogy just popped in my head.
Photo 4: “And with that, your crochet doily is now complete.”
Photo 1. “……So then my publisher says “What if Nobody dies?”
Photo 1: “Did I tell you about the book contract that got away? It was THIS big…”
Photo 2: Levitation and other authory tricks by Peter Newman
Photo 3: “My favorite line from Peter V Brett’s book? The one where I wrote a blurb on the cover.” ~ Joe Abercrombie
Photo 4: Y’see, Pete – we call it tea and crumpets. Strumpets are something entirely different.
Peter: “So, they call this a book?”
Joe: “That’s what Mark called it. I think you fan the pages and something is supposed to happen.”
Anna: “Fan the pages. Why didn’t I think of that?”
So then I grabbed him by the head and squished his eyes with my thumbs. Thanks GRRM!
…”And then I told them ‘No Maps’!”
Mark: So I just got this idea for a charachter with 8 fingers… what’s wrong Joe?
Peter N: WEEEE, look at me, Mummy!
Anna: *For God’s sake, I wish he’d just sit still for two seconds*
Joe: I really love this book. I love it!
Mark: Good for you, now shut up, I’m still talking.
Peter V: *I love that book, too!*
For Photo #1
Mark: “Seriously you guys, I don’t spend any time in advance plotting, planning or structuring my books – why are you both looking at me like that?”
For Photo #2
Joe: “OK Peter Newman has sewn up the Tintin impersonation and that means either I or Pete will be Captain Haddock, so Mark – that makes you er… snowy the dog?”
Anna: “If fantasy is such a wonderful genre in which to express diversity and individuality – why are they all wearing jeans?”
For Photo #3
Anna: Thinks – “It’s so sad how kindles mean people have forgotten how to open real books.”
Joe: “You do realise Mark that you can;t be a proper fantasy author without a beard, Patrick Rothfuss and GRRMartin would agree.”
Mark: “On the other hand this is how many fucks I give as to whether my books are labelled grimdark or not”
Joe: “Mark, you do know that Peter Newman’s book The Seven is not a grimdark reworking of the Snow White story right?”
Pete; “So this is how you English authors make us Americans look up to you, put is in the low chairs.”
Mark: So according to the grimdark scores that I collected….
Joe: * seriously Mark!! You’re teaching it to me? I am the LORD GRIMDARK here*
Joe: Buy my book is old fashioned; let’s sell each others’
Peter Newman: Mark Lawrence will sell my book, I am no more the new-man *giddy with joy – jumps on the sofa*
Anna: He brings Red Sister to Grim Gathering; what was he thinking?
Mark: This Michael Flethcer guy has written a whole book with pen on paper recently
Pete: Like the whole book
Joe: How did he spell-check?
Photo #1: Thank you for not laughing as I ache from not catching The Seven.
Photo #2: Peter’s fart was more forceful, but Mark’s sounded funnier.
Photo #3: When the Fantasy-writer pose *almost* works…
Photo #4: Mark: All I had was a tiny scrap of paper and a scene that needed writing.
Peter (thinking): Oh? Every tried writing a novel on your phone…?
Mark – I’ve actually already finished writing my next three books and…
Peter – ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!
Joe – Of course you have. Dick.
In tonight’s CBeebies bedtime story, Joseph reads us The Core, a story by Peter Brett…
Photos 1-4 show friends that are at the age that they remember Tomb of Horrors by Gary Gygax. Older now they have gotten together to play the Tomb of Horrors campaign again to see what it was like being killed by a lich King and all his traps in 1975 again.
Mark: I don’t care if you’re this big… or even this big… man-spreading in public isn’t OK guys.
PHOTO 1=”OK,who`s stolen my Cats Cradle.” photo 2=”Let`s hope that was only the invisible Whoopie Cushion exploding.”photo 3=”No,it`s not written in Latin,the books upside down.”photo4=”I also do Palm Reading to make ends meet.
Photo 1 = Mark: So I took the head like this, and I put my knee thru the face. It was awesome.
Peter/Joe : ….
Photo 2 = Peter/Joe – “Hit the button! Hit the button!”
Mark: This button?
Photo 4 = Peter: “This is the church, this is the steeple…”
Mark: “Hang on, hang on…I have to write these steps down. There are actual people…in your hand church?”
Mark – “ How big is the Wheel of Osheim? Well, only about this big; complicated physics, singularity and all that. Oh, now I understand you, it’s 656 pages…….”
Mark: “I thought of a plot twist THIS big!”
The reaction to “Prince of Thorns” being re-classified as YA fiction, and not Grimdark.
Classic example of pouring vodka into your glass while the bibliophiles are distracted by books.
Mark: “When Stephen King asked for my autograph I also wrote down some constructive criticism, if he takes it onboard he’ll go far that lad.”
Mark: So we all should write an epic fantasy series together…. and then we get George and Pat to write the finale!
I meant Photo 4 😒
Photo #1 : And the second the happy couple complete their wedding vows, they both strangle each other on the altar!
Photo 1 :- Mark “And the first time I really pictured Jorg’s grim, dark penis in detail it was this big
Mark “I’m writing a very small book for very small people who live under the sea”
Joe “What’s the title ?”
Mark ” One word Krill.